我妈是一个老外

You may be wondering what the title of this post says. A year ago I myself would also wonder what I wrote, however that is before I stepped of the plane and became a 老外 (laowai). Now if you have never lived in this fair land that I now call home you may not have experienced the phenomenon of hearing yourself called laowai approximately 37 times a day, it is truly something that you can probably live your entire life without and still die happily.

When we first arrived in China I was mortified when people stared, pointed or yelled out laowai. How embarrassing. How rude. But that was until my husband would stare back, point at that person and yell out Zhongguo ren. Then they all would stare at him instead and wonder what was wrong with this rude guy who looked like a Zhongguo ren but was acting like a laowai.

As I've started to understand more conversations taking place around me the lao wai shout out has become pretty amusing. It's no longer embarrassing, just humorous, well most of the time. Then I started thinking about my kids and realized that depending on how long we live here they will grow from being sweet innocent babes to adorable children to grumpy teenagers and started wondering how they will react when they hear the melodic chorus of laowai.

Oh sure when people point and call out lao wai they will be pointing at my kids too, but still they'll probably fit in a little better then their Mom and also their Dad. Because no matter how hard we try our kids will probably have better Chinese. They will probably have a better understanding to parts of the culture. And they will more then likely be embarrassed by the things their parents do and say in front of their friends. Of course that last one we don't need to be living in China to see happen.

And that is when I realized that in a lot of ways in the eyes of a teenager parent who is a lao wai is just a lot like a parent who is a FOB. And that just like those who have seek to immortalize their embarrassment of their parents in the blogosphere by documenting the hilarious mistakes made by their English as a Second language parents, my children will possibly do the same to their Chinese as a Second Language mother.

So unborn kids, this one is for you. Just so you can get a head start I'd like to give you the top 10 ways you know you can say with pride 我妈是一个老外。I won't document my language mistakes just yet though, I'll save those for you.

我妈是一个老外 Top 10

1) If you have ever stood in a crowd watching a street performance and noticed that the majority of people in the crowd are no longer looking at the performance but at your Mom instead then your Mom might be a laowai.

2) If your Mom orders cheese and butter by the jin and has it delivered to your home then your Mom might be a laowai.

3) If your Mom ever walks around a restaurant looking at what other people have ordered and then giving the waitress her order based on what looks tasty rather then by trying to read the characters on the menu then your Mom might be a laowai.

4) If your Mom ever has had another mother plop her three year old child in front of her and then proceed to force that child to say hello, goodbye and sing Happy Birthday in English then your Mom is for sure a laowai.

5) If your Mom is constantly told that her child is not wearing enough clothes or allowing her child to lose weight or anything of the sort then your Mom might be a laowai.

6) If your Mom say's Ni Hao and Zai Jian to her neighbors instead of Chi le ma and Zuo le then she might be a laowai.

7) If your Mom let's another Mom's kids call her Aiyi and tells you to call that Mom Aiyi as well, but then stumbles over whether to call that Mom by her name, big sister, little sister, little xing, big xing or just "hey you" then your Mom might be a laowai.

8) If your Mom has ever served jiaozi, eggs and tomato, rice and mashed potatoes all on the same table then your Mom is definitely a laowai.

9) If your Mom has ever had a lower price quoted to her for potatoes at the market then the lady who comes up next because the vendor knows she won't bargain like a normal person then she is surely a laowai.

10) If as a baby you wore a diaper and were not allowed to pee or poo on the trees then your Mom is without question a laowai.

I would just like to say one thing about being a laowai. When I was growing up I had a friend who called her Mom a FOB quite often based on some of the pretty funny things she said and did. But she also made us a ton of delicious stuff to eat, drove us to the movies and did other cool Mom stuff. And despite language barriers she always liked talking to us. And so when I think about being that laowai Mom I hope I'm a Mom like that...even though I sometimes get third tone and second tone confused and do other weird things without even being aware that they are weird.