Oh you white people...

Last semester our school was horribly concerned about the spread of H1N1. To ensure that it did not spread rampantly through the international students building a brilliant idea was hatched. If they could somehow put in our hands food that we would be required to eat at home, then we would no longer go to restaurants and purchase food thus decreasing our chances of catching H1N1. So they bought each student a bag of this:

This would be the large 5-10 pound bag of rice that can probably be found in any home of an Asian family worldwide. Although not being Asian myself, my last name is 陈, and so of course our family has one of these bags in our kitchen cupboard at all times since we became the 陈's. So when the school presented us with not just one free bag, but two free bags we were quite excited. Their plan had worked! We would eat at home and not get H1N1.

Unfortunately the administrators forgot one factor in their carefully devised plan to thwart H1N1...and that would small little factor would be the white people. Historically white people worldwide have never had large 5-10 pound bags of rice in their homes. Who would buy that much rice? How long would it take to eat that much? And wouldn't it go bad before eating? After all, Uncle Ben only sells 1 pound bags of rice. Surely a pound of rice is more then enough rice to last for all the rice casseroles that any family would need to make for a long time.

That day walking out of school this historic reality was confirmed by my sweet friend from Wisconsin who stood next to me and said "Can you believe they gave us this much rice. I haven't eaten this much rice in my whole life." I smiled and resisted asking if I could have her bag and then proceeded to tell her that we would finish our two bags in a few months.

Which was a correct statement, because if memory serves me correctly, they passed these bags out sometime in November. I think we opened ours in December when our other giant bag ran out. And just last week I bought a new 5 pound bag of rice after we used the two bags the school gave us. (I buy 5 pound in China you know because who wants to take a 10 pound bag of rice home with them on their bicycle.) So there you have it, how long will it take that huge bag of rice to be eaten? The answer, not too long.

There are just some things...

There are just some things that make me cry. For example:

Adoption Stories

Whenever I so much as begin to think about the movie Steel Magnolias

When someone announces they are going to have a baby

Watching someone stand on the gold medal platform when their national anthem plays at the Olympics

At graduation when the graduation song starts and the graduates stream through the open doors

When they open the doors and the bride starts to walk down the aisle with her Dad

Listening to Mika with headphones that have sound coming out of both ears instead of just one

Just a little public service announcement. I promise, I'm not sad, I just want to cry. So if you happen to be around for any of these events, do not worry. I'm really ok.

我妈是一个老外

You may be wondering what the title of this post says. A year ago I myself would also wonder what I wrote, however that is before I stepped of the plane and became a 老外 (laowai). Now if you have never lived in this fair land that I now call home you may not have experienced the phenomenon of hearing yourself called laowai approximately 37 times a day, it is truly something that you can probably live your entire life without and still die happily.

When we first arrived in China I was mortified when people stared, pointed or yelled out laowai. How embarrassing. How rude. But that was until my husband would stare back, point at that person and yell out Zhongguo ren. Then they all would stare at him instead and wonder what was wrong with this rude guy who looked like a Zhongguo ren but was acting like a laowai.

As I've started to understand more conversations taking place around me the lao wai shout out has become pretty amusing. It's no longer embarrassing, just humorous, well most of the time. Then I started thinking about my kids and realized that depending on how long we live here they will grow from being sweet innocent babes to adorable children to grumpy teenagers and started wondering how they will react when they hear the melodic chorus of laowai.

Oh sure when people point and call out lao wai they will be pointing at my kids too, but still they'll probably fit in a little better then their Mom and also their Dad. Because no matter how hard we try our kids will probably have better Chinese. They will probably have a better understanding to parts of the culture. And they will more then likely be embarrassed by the things their parents do and say in front of their friends. Of course that last one we don't need to be living in China to see happen.

And that is when I realized that in a lot of ways in the eyes of a teenager parent who is a lao wai is just a lot like a parent who is a FOB. And that just like those who have seek to immortalize their embarrassment of their parents in the blogosphere by documenting the hilarious mistakes made by their English as a Second language parents, my children will possibly do the same to their Chinese as a Second Language mother.

So unborn kids, this one is for you. Just so you can get a head start I'd like to give you the top 10 ways you know you can say with pride 我妈是一个老外。I won't document my language mistakes just yet though, I'll save those for you.

我妈是一个老外 Top 10

1) If you have ever stood in a crowd watching a street performance and noticed that the majority of people in the crowd are no longer looking at the performance but at your Mom instead then your Mom might be a laowai.

2) If your Mom orders cheese and butter by the jin and has it delivered to your home then your Mom might be a laowai.

3) If your Mom ever walks around a restaurant looking at what other people have ordered and then giving the waitress her order based on what looks tasty rather then by trying to read the characters on the menu then your Mom might be a laowai.

4) If your Mom ever has had another mother plop her three year old child in front of her and then proceed to force that child to say hello, goodbye and sing Happy Birthday in English then your Mom is for sure a laowai.

5) If your Mom is constantly told that her child is not wearing enough clothes or allowing her child to lose weight or anything of the sort then your Mom might be a laowai.

6) If your Mom say's Ni Hao and Zai Jian to her neighbors instead of Chi le ma and Zuo le then she might be a laowai.

7) If your Mom let's another Mom's kids call her Aiyi and tells you to call that Mom Aiyi as well, but then stumbles over whether to call that Mom by her name, big sister, little sister, little xing, big xing or just "hey you" then your Mom might be a laowai.

8) If your Mom has ever served jiaozi, eggs and tomato, rice and mashed potatoes all on the same table then your Mom is definitely a laowai.

9) If your Mom has ever had a lower price quoted to her for potatoes at the market then the lady who comes up next because the vendor knows she won't bargain like a normal person then she is surely a laowai.

10) If as a baby you wore a diaper and were not allowed to pee or poo on the trees then your Mom is without question a laowai.

I would just like to say one thing about being a laowai. When I was growing up I had a friend who called her Mom a FOB quite often based on some of the pretty funny things she said and did. But she also made us a ton of delicious stuff to eat, drove us to the movies and did other cool Mom stuff. And despite language barriers she always liked talking to us. And so when I think about being that laowai Mom I hope I'm a Mom like that...even though I sometimes get third tone and second tone confused and do other weird things without even being aware that they are weird.

A little diddy...

In honor of today being Good Friday I asked my local sister how they celebrated zui hao de xingqiwu. Apparently asking someone who calls Good Friday the Passion day how they celebrate "the best Friday" takes a little bit of explaining and is reason number 213 that I should not be allowed to try my hand at guessing any words in any other language.

In honor of "the best Friday" I wanted to put together a little diddy, if it's ok to put a diddy together in honor of His death. Anyways, this little number is a compilation of lyrics that hit me in the gut every time I hear them....even if some are sung by Kelly Clarkson about an unrelated subject, well sort of unrelated.

Amazing love, how can it be? That you my king would die for me

At the wonderful, tragic mysterious tree, on the beautiful, scandalous night

From free grace alone from the first to the last

He is mighty to save, he is mighty to save

You count it strange so once did I, before I knew

Something changed inside me, broke wide open all spilled out, till I had no doubt

You are stronger, you are stronger, sin is broken, you are risen

You found me when no one else was looking, how did you know just where I would be?

It is you we adore, it is you our praises are for, it is you only you.

So what can I say, what can I do, but offer this heart completely to you.

More then I can ask...

I sometimes forget that He is able to do insurmountably more then we can ask or imagine. I sometimes remember when the thing is big, I almost always forget when the thing is small. Shame on me.

The other day I was riding home on my bike with a large load of dongxi; two bags of groceries and 5 jin of cotton stuffing to be exact. (It really is a blog post in and of itself describing how I am embracing the strangeness of the things I do regularly over here.) In the distance I saw a large truck spraying water onto the concrete street, which I guess produces a cleaner street. I saw my future and it meant I was about to get wet.

What did I do. Did I pray and ask for rescue? Did I remember my father who can do insurmountably more then I can ask or imagine. No, I just put my head down and braced myself.

But did I get wet? Absolutely not! At the exact moment I passed the street cleaner a large van passed me blocking my bicycle, myself and all my dongxi from the street cleaner's spray.

See...more then I could imagine...more then I could even ask...Thank you...You humble me...

Eavesdropping...

Recently a friend overheard this conversation between two little old women...

"What are you doing looking so beautiful today?"

"It's because I thought you would come by."

Cuties. I want to overhear conversations like this. Typically this is what I overhear:

Zou le: Which has a number of meanings including, I'm going, let's go, goodbye.

Ni kan, waiguoren: Which means that someone is pointing at me and telling their friend they see a foreigner.

Yi kuai ba qian: Which means those carrots cost 1.8 kuai per jin.

This can only mean one thing...if I want the world to be a beautiful place full of rainbows, sunshine and understanding then I'm going to need to study more...

Best enjoyed...

I've decided that I've been a little bit of a Grinch when it's come to fireworks this New Year's season. But I also have determined where this sentiment is coming from. It's coming from the reality that fireworks (including firecrackers) are best enjoyed not from your bedroom at 7:00 am, not from your kitchen at 7:00 pm and not while walking to the bike shed to get your bike and head to the store. Fireworks are best enjoyed when you have a front row seat and nothing else to do. And if that's you right now then here's something for you to enjoy:

But for those who thought I might be exaggerating about the propensity of our neighbors to set off fireworks several yards away from the building I submit this evidence:

We live on the sixth floor and have an attic in our apartment that would technically qualify as the seventh floor. And this is the balcony on that seventh floor outside the attic. So that little red tube that you see would be the case of a firework that was set off seven stories below only a few yards away from our window. You be the judge: Totally unsafe to be allowed to release fireworks purchased on the side of the road anywhere you desire. Or totally awesome. I leave it to you to decide.