Waiting on the answer...

Yesterday I got in a line and stood waiting for a little slip of paper that would give me the answer to a question that had loomed in my mind for about a month. The entire time I kept thinking to myself, "this is what it would be like if you were waiting for the results of a biopsy." And while we weren't waiting to find out if someone had Cancer, I can totally empathize with what that must be like.

A person you don't really know well, who has already delivered similar answers to others like you just minutes before, is going to tell you your fate. The room feels empty and sterile, or in our case full of people speaking a language I don't yet understand. If the answer is "yes, you do have Cancer" then everything you had been planning must be put on hold and your life is going to have to wait a little while.

Fortunately for us, the answer was yes. But not "yes, you have Cancer." Instead we got the answer we had been hoping for "Yes, you can have your student visas, with multiple entries and beginning on the date you desire." Which means the opposite of putting our lives on hold. In fact our "yes" means we don't have to put anything on hold and that we can live out the plans that had already been put in place.

When we got to counter my heart was beating really fast and afterward we both went back to the car and took a nap. Waiting for an answer can be pretty exhausting.

Catch it if you can...

Tonight after a big dinner with friends we came back to the place where we were staying. The Captain and I fell into our usual routine after we've eaten a large dinner. I pulled out my comfy pants and he headed to the bathroom with his DS. Sorry, that's probably too much information for a blog, but I'm just telling it like it is.

We've been staying in Danville, which I think is the Bay Area's best kept secret. This little city is beautiful! I've loved driving because of the awesome hills and mountains. And like anywhere in the Bay, there's always some type of fog, smog or a cloud in the distance that makes everything a little bit more romantical. Tonight did not disappoint. The sunset was gorgeous.

But, tonight just as I was pulling the comfy pants out of my bag, I looked out the window and I saw this...


Pure awesomeness. Now you can't really see it because I'm taking this picture through the blinds in the room. But if you look closely you will see a big, blue cloud in the distance with a red sunset underneath set between two gorgeous rolling, yellow hills dotted with green trees. I loved it! It looked like a cartoon or a drawing it was so pretty. The clouds must have been heavy with rain or something because the red sun setting made them look full and blue. Since the Captain was in the bathroom, I didn't have anyone to share it with. Not knowing what else to do I grabbed our camera and ran outside. I started running down the street trying to find the perfect place to take a picture so I could at least show him later. Or at least blog about it. These clouds were too pretty to be experienced alone. Here's the pics I took...

This one was pretty good, except for the lamppost in the middle. Do you see them, aren't the clouds beautiful?



Here's one without the lamppost.


Here's one with the zoom...



Walking home two thoughts went through my mind. First, I thought of Ree. I love Ree. I don't know her, but she takes awesome pictures, shows me how to cook and tells hilarious stories about cows. You can meet her by clicking here. I thought of Ree because I know she would have taken a picture of this sunset. Except her picture would have probably turned out a little differently then mine. Her picture would have probably equaled the awesomeness of the moment. But then again, I don't think she uses a Canon point and shoot digital camera.

I also thought of the Captain, and not just because I was curious about the state of his DS game. I thought about his recent blog post about pictures and living in the moment. The point being some things are just too gorgeous to ever really capture on film. You know what, I think capturing this sunset, with these perfect blue clouds centered between the rolling hills might qualify as one of those gorgeous moments that could never really be captured. At least not by a Canon point and shoot. But I'm still glad I tried...because there's something about running down the street trying to catch something, anything, that kind of brings excitement to the end of the day.

Old Ladies for sale...

Yesterday I overheard a mom tell her son that Oil of Olay was on sale in the lotion aisle at Target. The son replied...

"Old lady is on sale?"

"No, Oil of Olay is on sale."

"Oh..."

A couple of minutes passed as I continued to debate between the Dove and the Aveeno lotion when the mom sent her son to the next aisle to find grandma and let her know about this great deal. In a very loud voice he shouted...

"Hey Grandma, Old Lady is on sale of there."

So if you need either, Oil of Olay or Old Lady, get yourself down to Target. It's on sale this week.

Jack Bauer vs. Sydney Bristow...

The Captain (also known as my husband) and I just got back from 5 days in Los Angeles. We spent a lot of time driving down the 405, the I-10, the Sepulveda, the Santa Monica Blvd and the Crenshaw. Wait, should I put the word "the" in front of highways only? Sorry, I'm not a native...

I'm not sure what it is about traveling to other cities, but I always think in terms of media when I visit. This time around I thought about Jack Bauer and Sydney Bristow and how they both live in Los Angeles. Every street corner and turn of the highway brought a memory to mind. Like the time Vaughn found Sydney in Union Station on a whim. Or the time Jack drove from CTU headquarters in downtown LA to anywhere else in LA in a commercial break...like that's possible.

When we went to New York, I thought of Elf and Will Ferell's snowball fight in Central Park. When we went to Chicago, I thought of Ferris Buller and My Best Friend's Wedding. Living in Dallas, I think of nothing...but occasionally I sing the theme song to myself. But only when I think about how someone from another country might respond when I say where I am from.

While we were in LA I had my eyes peeled for any spots Jack and Sydney might have frequented in their quest to rid the world of evil. Unfortunately I don't think I found any. As we were driving I started thinking about why I like Jack and Sydney and I think I've figured it out. I like Jack because of the way he responds under stress. So if you go beyond all of his awesome ninja skills and really stop and think about his gut reactions in times of dire urgency, he stays extremely calm. He might yell at Tony or knock out a few bad guys, but as far as completely freaking out...he doesn't.

The same is true for Sydney Bristow, she doesn't ever freak out. She just readjusts the wig, steps back and finishes the bad guy off with a sidekick. The difference between Sydney Bristow and Jack Bauer is what comes after the stress. This might just be because we as viewers only watch Jack's life in 24 hour segments whereas with Sydney we see the entire thing, but have you ever noticed how Sydney always needs to decompress after an extremely stressful day of kicking butt? It's more noticeable in the first season, but after a hard days work Sydney seems to always pour a glass of red wine, run a bubble bath and turn on Sarah McLachlan. (The bubble bath might be to appeal to the male viewers.)

So, if I was going to compare myself to Jack or Sydney who would I be? Well, in my world of defending the cause of justice and truth I usually try to approach things like Jack...I try to squeeze as much as possible into 24 hour segments. It's exhausting. There's something to be said about the Sydney Bristow approach...because at the end of the day who doesn't need a little red wine (or whatever choice beverage you prefer) and a little Sarah McLachlan playing in the background. What's your approach? If you like to decompress at the end of the day, what do you like to do?

How do you feel?

Everyone asks, how do you feel? It's hard to answer. Someone wrote and said "Are you excited, nervous, anxious, stressed?" I wrote back and said "Yes." As in, all of the above. And then this week I was finally able to put into words how I felt. The Captain asked "How do you feel?"

"You know what, this is how I feel. I feel like we have been climbing a mountain for the last year. At first the view was scenic and the climb enjoyable and then it got a little rocky. But we kept going on. And now we are hanging off the bottom of the cliff, upside down. We can't go back, I guess we could, but there's no real reason to go backwards. We can't go forward without painful crawling to the end and I'm just not sure I have enough energy to crawl to the end. And if we do get to the end and we're now on top of the mountain, I'm not sure what we're going to find. It might be really bad or it might be really good. But since I don't know what it will be, I feel stuck."

So basically, this is how I feel.


Except imagine the blood rushing to my head a little more. So maybe it looks a little more like this.


Wow, now I look like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. But anyways, you get the general idea. I'm not sure that this is the best way to think about this particular part of our journey. It seems kind of limiting. I'm so focused on getting there, that I can't enjoy the process of getting there. And then, what if, when we get there it's really, really bad. I'll just feel stuck...because in my current analogy I'm focused only on one thing. Arrival.

Back when I was a recruiter, my friend JA and I found ourselves with a free weekend in Missoula, Montana. Now if you have never been to Montana before here's what you need to know. It's awesome.

Missoula is home to the University of Montana and like all good universities with any form of hill or mountain nearby, some time in their past history a bunch of students climbed that hill or mountain and created a rock formation with their school letters for all to see. In this case next to the University of Montana there is a 3/4 mile hike to the M through a trail of switchbacks that will take you up about 620 feet in elevation. So on a 1 to 10 scale of hiking difficulty, it's maybe a 4. Well, in my inexpert opinion that is. An expert might call it a 2. Here I am sitting on the M.


At first when JA and I set out that morning we had one goal in mind: get to the M. But after we were done we realized there was an entire mountain behind the M to keep climbing. So after eating our trail mix, a delightful conversation with a girl from Ireland who happened to also be sitting on the M that day and a few gulps of water we set off. (By the way, this girl had never met anyone from Texas before. She was really excited to tell me about a video series she had been watching with a lady whose hair was really large and talked like me. She had been watching Beth Moore.)

We climbed for a while and never quite got to the top before our water ran out and our legs got wobbly. Correction: my legs got wobbly, JA was doing just fine. In fact even if we had made it to the top of the mountain there was another valley behind the mountain that could be walked through to get to another mountain waiting to be climbed.

So here's my point. I need to start thinking differently. I need to stop picturing myself on the side of the cliff and instead picture myself hiking to the M. Hiking to the M had it's moments of difficulty. We got pretty sweaty and I was definitely sore the next day. But for the most part, it was pretty fun. And the M turned out to not be the final destination. There was an entire mountain to be climbed behind the M that was awesome in and of itself.

I'm done with climbing the cliff...I'm going to start hiking to the M instead.

Disclaimer: For those who go to double A and may have heard my husband speak on a similar idea of The Journey last year during senior week you are absolutely correct to assume that his analogy is the one I'm drawing from in this blog post.

An ad for insurance...

Life is a tornado watch.
You can hunker down in the basement,
or get up on the roof,
let the wind give you rock star hair
and yell,
I knew you were coming.
That's why I didn't rake the leaves.

I actually found this is in a book I was reading...but when I saw that it was from an insurance ad I immediately read it with the low, deep voice of the guy from the Allstate ad, also known as, David Palmer. Go back and read it again. It's funnier when you picture him saying it...

How Morbid and True...

We're packing up. We're giving things away. I feel a little sad. I read these paragraphs the other day from a box of notes that ended up in the recycling bin. I felt a little morbid reading this and then I found it to be true as well...

From one point of view, the whole of life may be seen as a taking away, as one long and painful series of subtractions. We are forever being called upong to pull up stakes, to release our hold upon the things and places and people we have loved, an even upon each precious second as it slips through our aging fingers. Our very bodies are like tents, says Paul in his letter to Corinth, the most temporary of houses, and our whole existence under the sun bears the marks of exile and nomadism. If we are lucky enough to survive into old age, it will only be to find that even the most basic amenities of life will begin to be withdrawn from us one by one: legal freedoms, good health, friends, the comforts of our own home, physical and intellectual abilities, the capacity to think clearly, remember things, read a book, walk around the block, enjoy food, go to the bathroom. An old man is a ruined city, a fallen kingdom, a disaster are full of leaks and potholes and crumbling walls. In the end there may be nothing left to him but life itself, the faintest squiggle on a piece of graph paper, and even that may be unceremoniously flicked away like a speck of lint from the collar of the dashing young world.

There is no escaping this fate...

What? This is so morbid. I stopped reading right there, but I hope the author goes on. I hope he then writes...

But for those who know Him, for those who have called upon His name, a hope lies at the end. You will come to a place where there is no weeping or gnashing of teeth. You will come to a place that is perfect because the author or life dwells there. And you will dwell and live with Him. In the garden He would only visit. After the fall, He was present in Spirit only, except for a brief time that He came as one of us. But in eternity, we will dwell with Him. Forever. And things will be perfect. What was lost, will be restored. What needs redemption, will be redeemed. That whatever you have given up in this life, your home, your cute paisley and green shirt, your Strawberry Shortcake watch that you've had since you were five, etc. there will be a sense of restoration... you will be in a place where the giving up of those things is now made perfect.

But that was just what I would have written. Here's what he wrote...

By waging so pitiful a struggle not to become obsolete, when in reality the whole natural flow of physical life is toward obsolescence, what people really do is to declare a preference for temporal values over eternal ones. What they do, in fact, is to reject the Kingdom of God and its gift of eternal life. As it turns out, the only way not to reject eternal values is to submit willingly to the erosion of temporal ones. A spirit of graceful submission is required of every person in life, and there can be no peace without it. For one way or another we must all be humbled, even unto death. One way or another we must all die a little every day, and in the process we will all suffer unspeakably.

Hmm...I like what he wrote, there's truth there. But I like what I wrote better. It's more hopeful...it surrenders, I think, to the great eternal value I am strengthened by each day. Hope. Hope in my King who is to come and who will one day rule perfectly. Hope not in what I gave up, but Hope that one day it will not matter that I gave it up. Because He has made all things new and the world has been completely redeemed. I look forward to that day...but for today, I will probably experience more of what that author wrote. So I will keep pulling up my stakes, releasing my hold on the people, places and things I love. But I will do so with hope...